I'm sorry if I am hurting you.

I feel like I should reflect. I will have been home for two months in a couple weeks....I was getting restless and bored. Everything was mundane and routine to me, everything was too familiar. Tonight was kind of the little perk I needed. I haven't really wanted to dance since I got back, but now I'm ready to throw myself back in there, my body is not tired any more and neither am I. It was nice to socialize. Just really socialize, connect with other people and pick up right where you left off. I didn't sit there at a pub tonight and be awkward, I just talked and laughed and had a conversation like any normal human should on this planet.

I'm sorry I get crazy sometimes. I don't mean to, I can feel it happening, I am fully aware, I just can't stop myself. It's like there's a part of me that likes being crazy, maybe I was a crack head in a former life. I feel great but then on the other hand I feel like crap, what if I don't make you as happy as you make me. What if you're just saying I make you happy but you don't actually know. What if I love you but you don't actually love me, you just think you do?? You drop the world for me. I'm selfish. I always put myself first. I need to fix something. I don't feel like a good person. You mean the world to me though, really, I have the best time with you. Sometimes I feel like we're in a bubble though, no one can break into our little world. Which is good and bad. I love hugging you, and waking up with you, and going on trips with you, and everything. I don't want to ruin anything by pouting all the time about silly things like mascara and blonde hair. It's the attention, ok I have admited it! What do I have to do to make it stop. Maybe our lives are too intertwined, but at the same time I like it like that? I love you. I just wanted you to come lay in bed with me all night, we could go get candy or just sit and talk. Maybe sneak to the golf course and lay in the grass. But I guess maybe we need to not see eachother every day. I'm sorry today went this way, I guess maybe when I feel pressured to share a special day with you or something I just ruin it instead. Just let me know what needs to be said, maybe we can move forward with things. This is a whole lot of jibberish, I have barely stopped to think.
I miss Emma and I miss exploring Toronto. It's not the best city but it was new to me. I'm ready to go back already.

I should get some sleep. It's a new day. A new week. We're strong and don't you forget it.

I sitll like that there's a tiny reasuring voice inside my head. Right after I panic about 'us' there's always that voice to follow it saying we're ok no matter what. And it feels sincere. Tell me that voice is sincere.