I'm sorry if I am hurting you.

I feel like I should reflect. I will have been home for two months in a couple weeks....I was getting restless and bored. Everything was mundane and routine to me, everything was too familiar. Tonight was kind of the little perk I needed. I haven't really wanted to dance since I got back, but now I'm ready to throw myself back in there, my body is not tired any more and neither am I. It was nice to socialize. Just really socialize, connect with other people and pick up right where you left off. I didn't sit there at a pub tonight and be awkward, I just talked and laughed and had a conversation like any normal human should on this planet.

I'm sorry I get crazy sometimes. I don't mean to, I can feel it happening, I am fully aware, I just can't stop myself. It's like there's a part of me that likes being crazy, maybe I was a crack head in a former life. I feel great but then on the other hand I feel like crap, what if I don't make you as happy as you make me. What if you're just saying I make you happy but you don't actually know. What if I love you but you don't actually love me, you just think you do?? You drop the world for me. I'm selfish. I always put myself first. I need to fix something. I don't feel like a good person. You mean the world to me though, really, I have the best time with you. Sometimes I feel like we're in a bubble though, no one can break into our little world. Which is good and bad. I love hugging you, and waking up with you, and going on trips with you, and everything. I don't want to ruin anything by pouting all the time about silly things like mascara and blonde hair. It's the attention, ok I have admited it! What do I have to do to make it stop. Maybe our lives are too intertwined, but at the same time I like it like that? I love you. I just wanted you to come lay in bed with me all night, we could go get candy or just sit and talk. Maybe sneak to the golf course and lay in the grass. But I guess maybe we need to not see eachother every day. I'm sorry today went this way, I guess maybe when I feel pressured to share a special day with you or something I just ruin it instead. Just let me know what needs to be said, maybe we can move forward with things. This is a whole lot of jibberish, I have barely stopped to think.
I miss Emma and I miss exploring Toronto. It's not the best city but it was new to me. I'm ready to go back already.

I should get some sleep. It's a new day. A new week. We're strong and don't you forget it.

I sitll like that there's a tiny reasuring voice inside my head. Right after I panic about 'us' there's always that voice to follow it saying we're ok no matter what. And it feels sincere. Tell me that voice is sincere.

I don't know why I signed in, I have nothing to say, except I am a lazy low life and need to get a job.


Home is great though, going to Cowboys tonight, it will be my first time. Should make for a once in a life time experience, as in it's only going to happen once and only once cause we have 100 bucks free. Then we'll go to Broken Shitty as per usual once we're nice and buzzed for free.

Whatever.

I just want you to awnserrrrr your cell so I can go about my day without wondering why you pushed ignore. bah. a text message?? something??? I had nightmares about us all night.

Psycho girlfriend calling ten times in a row begins in
5
4
3 ah!

those little kisses in the dark.
it's okay, it was the little push I needed.

We can do it, I just forget how great you are sometimes and it took me 10 minutes of typing in the dark to remember. It just gets lost behind all the sharing feelings and saying i love yous as much as possible.

I am not sure I can even talk about this anymore. I feel like I am investing my life in nothing. I am pulling 12 hour days at dance. I am not even kidding. Is everything I am learning useless? Did I move half way acorss the country away from my boyfriend just to find out I can't make it in the career I have invested my whole left into. Well practically anyways, since I was capable of having SOME cordination.
No.
I can't think this.
My show is in two weeks, I don't even have a moment for my mind to go blank, it's dance and singing and lyrics and steps and lifts and relaxing and getting enough sleep, icing my body, eating, trying to talk to scott, a social life and all those wonderful things.
It's so lame of me. I am the biggest baby. But I made it through this week. I went to every class, every rehearsal and I worked my ass off for the most part. Who else can say that in my program. I am still un noticed it seems. I just can't stop thinking. I want to turn my brain off.

Little girls dream for this life, or for the opportunity of a life I could have if I make it. And I am sitting here bawling. I'm just snapping and I don't know how to fix it or where to go to, my body hurts and I am tired and I am sick of complainging so much but it's the only social contact I feel capable of. Hey guys listen to how tired I am.
Fuck it.

I love Brittany Renne, even though we have been through some rough times she is always the best at talking to me, she is the best at being objective and I am so grateful to still be friends with her. I feel content and happy again for the first time in a while. And why shouldn't I be? My pizza is late but that's pretty much all that's wrong. I am doing what I love and I have made some amazing friends, I am out here fending for myself and I love it that way. I have the most amazing boyfriend and relationship I could have ever asked for. I'm not trying to brag I just for once feel content and there's no reason to be sad. I am so greatful for meeting Emma, like how did we get stuck in this dive together and get along so well. It baffles me.
Last night I was insanely out of control but in a fun way. Apparentely I had a bunch of bananas in my hand but couldn't buy them cause i didn't have my debit card. So I ended up throwing them in Dominion, and this morning when I looked for my debit card my pockets were FULL of candy, yes I must have stole candy cause I couldn't buy it. anyways i forgot i had a test so i have got to run